Don’t get me wrong, I love a good visit to the gym. For me, it’s the ultimate time to whip out the iPod, pump the tunes (most of which I’d be embarrassed to admit I listen to… what, Camp Rock, who said that?!), and get in a good workout. It’s quality me time, and I like it that way!
But another thing I get endless amounts of amusement from, is observing other gym-goers in their natural habitat, and I’ve noticed a few regular types that always make an appearance, no matter what, whenever I’m there. I could honestly just go to the gym with a pair of binoculars and wear camoflauge gear, hide behind a treadmill and just crackup and shake my head at the typical people there.
So you’ve got:
1. The Egotistical Buff Guy
Don’t deny it, you all know the one. He walks arrogantly around the gym floor like he owns it, very awkwardly may I add, because he’s so buff it looks like he’s about to topple over at any moment. He will typically always be attached at the hip with his protein shake, which I’ve never actually seen him drink. He wears a singlet that it appears he has ripped even further to reveal his “perfectly sculpted pecs.”
He inhabits the weights room predominantly.. actually, pretty much exclusively, mainly because of the endless mirrors on every wall so he can observe his biceps from every possible angle.
Upon entering the weights room, you may also notice that he give you a seedy, suggestive wink or head nod, and it takes all your willpower not to chuck the nearest dumb-bell at his head.
2. The Cake Face Girl
Oh yep, I can see you all nodding your head and rolling your eyes. She typically dresses up in her best workout gear, which may as well double as her wedding dress, and she will wear so many layers of makeup, that you wonder how she’s still breathing. Or whether she did actually faceplant a cake before getting there… it’s hard to tell. She’ll sit at the machines and apply more makeup in the reflection of the metal, and refuses to break a sweat to save the life of said cake on face.
What is it, black forest cake? Tirimisu? Or maybe, it’s that amazing McDonald’s icecream cake you had as a kid at birthday parties? I guess I’ll never know…
If a nail is, God forbid, broken in the process of attempting to look sexy at the gym, an ambulance is sure to be on speed dial.
And okay, I’m no cupid, but all signs point to Egotistical Buff Guy and Cake Face Girl being a perfect match.
3. The Non-Workouterer
He or she will come in and sit on a bike… and just continue sitting. With a magazine open in front of them. Not moving. And you may even occasionally catch her with her mouth open, drooling at the latest pair of stilettos in Cosmo, or if it’s a guy, ogling the latest BMX bike or speedboat or whatever magazines the non-workouterer male invests in to avoid actual exercise at all costs.
I swear, sometimes I almost think he or she is dead, and as I’m legitimately considering poking them with a broom or something to see if they’re still alive, he or she will make a sudden move as they snap out of their daydream about shoes or bags or cars or whatever. Sigh of relief.
4. The Chatterbox Mum
Usually spotted in flocks, and can be heard from a mile away with their high-pitched laughs and “no she didn’ts!”, the Chatterbox Mum sees a visit to the gym as a social get-together with other such mums.
She will casually stroll on the treadmill, Kath & Kim style (may or may not be sporting the matching sweatbands), and will chat to her buddies for hours on end. When you walk past, you catch glimpses of the conversation, involving baby’s first words, how hubby spends too much time with the boys at the pub, how desperately she needs a manicure or the world end in a matter of days… that kind of thing. They will even bring coffees into the gym, and may as well just go all out and set up a picnic rug in the middle of the floor, and whip out the sandwiches and cupcakes.
5. The Hogger
There’s always one. The Hogger has a specific bike or treadmill that they are a little bit emotionally attached to, and will spend all their time at the gym on it. It’s almost like they come back into the gym after a few days, and are all: “I’m sorry I left you! Please take me back…”
I’m sometimes almost surprised that they don’t hide in the change rooms or something when they close the gym up for the night, and camp out, have a romantic campfire and marshmallow roasting session with their favourite treadmill. Unless they do, and I just don’t know about it!
Please note this is not some cynical bitching sesh, just simply an amusing observation!
The gym would be such a boring place otherwise. 🙂